By Eleanor Low
Namaste, dear reader.
Are you tired of burning yourself on your overheated laptop? Losing sleep over your recent bug infestation? Are you interested in the mystic and unpredictable? Well, here at Horoscoping4UTM, we’re here to provide a balmy escape from such qualms in life. So buckle up! Counsel will proceed shortly!
Aries: ♈🐏 (March 21st-April 19th)
You flamin’ galah! After 3 seasons of scavenging, summer is when you really flourish. Life will soon overwhelm you with garlic bread and other summer foods. A relationship of yours has finally come to fruition, as you bond closer with your brethren. However, one morning you will wake up late and will stink till the end of the festive season. The time span of your next nap will determine whether it’s a good smell, a favourable smell, or a stringy, carpety, yellow smell. Good luck.
Sagittarius: ♐🏹 (November 22nd- December 21st)
You’ve been feeling satiated, but never fully satisfied. You long for more, but you’re not talking about the boring fluff stuff. You mean the real, hard stuff. Like emotions, and ice cubes. You’ll rediscover your love for an old TV show and go rogue - it’ll take a newspaper to the nose to jolt you back to reality. You’ll engage in a staring contest, and at some point, eat fish. People will then avoid you, partly due to the unwashed state of your pet, and his rancid breath. Key message here: give your baby a wash!
Taurus: ♉🐂 (April 20th- May 20th)
Looking like a daffodil, you square-faced beauties! Your skin is glowing- despite your recent lack of a shower. You will get a haircut this season, and you’ll find yourself quite satisfied with life. A friend’s house will burn down- but you’re not too concerned. You will consider retiring and moving to the outback, to practice your inborn hermitage- but don’t do that. There is less food out there and you’ll end up foraging. Then you’ll trip into some roo poo and realise you’re miles away from a bath.
Gemini: ♊💎 (May 21st- June 20th)
Somebody has found out you broke Grammy’s favourite snowglobe, and, quite frankly, you’re in for a flogging. You end up ticking only 3 things off your endless to-do list. Stay away from worms and other gemini’s, though the two are synonymous with each other. Oh, and also Libra’s. Squash is in season, take advantage of that. At some point you will come across a net; stay away from that net. Somebody will ask you if dogs smell, and you will deny it 3 times. Then you will repent. All I’m saying is, this season is going to be a wild ride- for you.
Leo: ♌🐆 (July 23rd- August 22nd) X
Sup, Leo. There’s a massive L in your name, because you’ll be taking the L this season. It’s better off you don’t know the deets, but know this: lemons. They are like sunshine, and sunshine is yellow, and Leo’s are yellow, so eat a lemon. That’s not to say you can’t consume other acids, but lemons will get your hair looking freaky-squeaky so when you inevitably lay in the soft rays on the freshly mopped floor, you’ll look so shiny the other humans get blinded by your starriness, and they’ll all leave the room. Not that people don’t naturally avoid you, anyway!
Virgo: ♍🦠 (August 23rd- September 22nd)
Am I going to sit here and moan about the fickleness of Arabian camels and how all virgo’s I meet have entirely undetermined opinions about them? It’s a tempting matter, but no… nevertheless, Virgs, I get you. You’re a good listener. And that’s why you’re gonna have a great summer! The name Virgo rhymes with dirt-row, so it’s obvious you’ll be digging a ditch deep enough to bury the mayor- your favourite hobby! You will also rewatch Zootopia sometime this summer too. This is not just a mere suggestion, but a threat. I am watching you…
Cancer: ♋🦀 (June 22nd- July 22nd)
The moon is out, but your summer is looking like a punchy mole rat. It’s not looking up for you, Cancer. You’ve been rather crabby recently, and the sun is beating down and giving you a horrendous rash. That, and you are also trying to reach that greener grass on the other side of the fence. But take a closer look. That green grass is just thousands of grasshoppers mixed with a little cow poo. It’s not worth it. Stick to your own hubble grass, though it’s obnoxious and it reeks. You may never be a farmer, but nevertheless, keep your head held high: it’s pronounced CANcer not CAN’tcer!
Libra: ♎🗽 (September 23rd- October 22nd)
Judging by the mountain of socks and washing left on the bench, Libra, your future isn’t looking all that straight and smooth. And I don’t just mean that metaphorically; you are also really, undesirably lanky. But… I love it! Eat some chicken to grow taller. Treat yourself, eat a bug! Do whatever you like this season Libra, you’ve done well for yourself and nobody is prouder than I am. And don’t even bother about the washing, it’s too high anyway you may as well abandon ship.
Scorpio: ♏🦂 (October 23rd- November 21st)
I see an influx of money for you, Scorpio. However, you’ll end up making a terrible deal with a hippie and suddenly POOF, it’s like it never existed. Instead, I recommend you take inspiration from the humble seagull, nature's most potent crier. I'm saying this because I know you can scream louder than them. You can beg with more intensity. Get stuck in more plastic rings out of pure spite. You are better than them. I believe in you, if only you would just believe in yourself!
Aquarius: ♒🏺 (January 20th- February 18th)
No wonder your stars are in a back-aching tangle. I mean, it hurts just to look at. You need to start tangling up your own life to restore balance. And how to do that, you wonder? See, remember when the chicken crossed the road to get to the other slide? Yeah. Be more like that chicken, keep chasing that slide. And while you're there, get yourself an ice cream. And get me one too. But why is it that you are always so indecisive about your flavours? Just settle for a mint, man! Then you cry and just leave it by the slide, and by next season whammo! An ice cream tree.
Ophiuchus: ⛎🐍 (because apparently it’s a thing!) (November 30th- December 18th)
Who even are you? Where did you come from? And why are you fascinated in time a whole bunch? Too much sand, too little hourglasses to fit it all in, I guess. You make a lot of good jokes heh. Have you ever heard the phrase YOLO? It means ‘you only lack opulence’, and it’s exactly what you need. More opulence. A little s’mth s’mthin’ to give you that graceful kick. So stop putting sand where your mouth is, and start selling them products to get you that cash! Get into retail, essentially. But honestly, I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Pull yerself togethah! Outrageous.
Capricorn: ♑🐐 (December 22nd- January 19th)
You will be misled this midsummer. A chance encounter with a mouldy leaf will only betray your biggest weakness: corn. Doomed to share it’s name for eternity, your evident lack of cornitage will put you in your place… Now, that may sound all doom-and-gloom, but there’s a million ways to get more corny. Move to Cornwall. Invest in cornetite, buy a cornetto, raise an acorn. There’s just so much to do. Everything, everything is corn. Live through that philosophy this coming midsummer, and you will be rewarded, greatly, for your efforts… Actually, live by it your entire lifetime, and it’ll be worth the whole lot. Trust me.
Pisces ♓🐟 (February 19th- March 20th)
Listen, we are not on the same page, four eyes. You do have four eyes, that is, because you really are just 2 fish dressed in a trenchcoat and a pair of black sunnies… yet, how can you not see what’s directly in front of you? Too much time with your head in the clouds, I guess. But little did you know there ain’t no water up there! Unless you count the water droplets, which I don’t. The earth is flat, clouds don’t exist! It’s all just cotton candy and a ruse set up by the fuzz! Muahahahahaa! Where was I? Oh yeah, your treacherous future. This midsummer is gonna strangle you at times but will reward you for your trouble. Hamf is a cool plant, remember this knowledge.
Well, that wraps up your futures. Bon voyage, ya spoons! Until next time, hopefully. That’ll be 50 shillings per minute, don’t judge. Clairvoyance is an expensive business. You know how much mental travelling I have to do?! Far, far too much. No wonder I suffer so… But I digress. Namaste, yet again, dear readers. And a happy-ish midsummer!