By Virginia Riley
DISCLAIMER:
This is all a joke! These are personal opinions I have exaggerated for the purpose of humour, and absolutely shouldn’t be taken as a moral judgement. However, if your opinions are different, please debate in the comments; I love being argued with.
NUMBER ONE: PICNIC
Right off the bat, I feel like you’re a people pleaser. I don’t think I’ve ever met a PICNIC fan, so maybe that’s impacting my perspective, but let me pose you a question. Are you the last one to enter a room? Do you pick the smallest slice of cake at a birthday party?
I ask this, simply because I can’t imagine someone picking PICNIC as their first choice. It’s not an inherently bad choice, either, but I feel pretty much nothing when I bite into a PICNIC. It’s just… sort of there. Maybe you relate to it, maybe you pity it… who knows.
Interestingly, though, I found a website called ‘Product Review’, where a user named ‘edward cullen enjoyer’ created an analytic dissection of the PICNIC chocolate. Weaknesses included, “makes you thirsty”. Strengths included, “can drive away weaklings with nut allergies from an event”.
So, if you’re a Twilight fan with a nut allergy superiority complex… I guess this chocolate is for you.
NUMBER TWO: FLAKE
You’re either basic, or you like it when people are mean to you. There’s no other option. “But why?” you might ask. “I’m neither of those things!” Too bad. You are. Let me prove it.
It’s a pretty simple chocolate bar. Nothing is really fancy about the taste- the only difference is the texture. It’s kind of just a dolled-up Cadbury Milk Bar. All I can take from this… is that you really enjoy the texture of wood chippings, which, of course, is very common in small children. Thus, you are basic.
You are eating a chocolate bar that is intended to crumble. Not only that, but it’s being sold to you with 40kg of delicious, tasty air inside it. Do you like having chocolate shavings on your clothes, or do you just enjoy the stress of holding a crumbling piece of food? You’re probably the kind of person who subconsciously sabotages themselves at every opportunity. Get help.
I also checked out the ‘Product Review’ website (somehow, Cadbury Flake received a lower rating than PICNIC?), and the general take was that you have to really like chewing on plastic to be a Flake fan. Fascinating behaviour from you guys. Keep it up.
NUMBER THREE: DREAM
No. You are wrong. If you even tolerate Dream, there is something terribly, horribly wrong with you.
This is, by far, the most incorrect decision you could ever make. Cadbury literally made an article about the trends in large chocolate bar buyers, including Top Deck (which is half milk chocolate and half white chocolate). And do you know what trait was assigned to Top Deck fans? ‘Born to debate’. Top Deck was the only white chocolate on that list, and it was also the only one assigned ‘argumentative’. Are you seeing the pattern here?
So yeah, you’re probably either a 12-year-old or headstrong (or both), and this is true for all white chocolate enjoyers. Actually, you’re probably thinking of ways to refute me right now. Go ahead, search for the articles proving that white chocolate fans are part of a genetically superior strain of humans. I’ll wait for your response.
NUMBER FOUR: MORO
I respect you. Since neither Mars bars nor Milky Ways are included in Cadbury Favourites, Moro is kind of an alternate option for a chewy, caramelly bar with nougat. Honestly, it’s pretty good as a second-choice option; and even better, not many people actively take Moros. Nobody’s desperate to get to them first, so they’re all yours.
On the flipside… It’s a nostalgic taste. You probably have a hard time moving on. Do you like old music? Or do you just have an unhealthy attachment to things that evoke childhood memories?
Or who knows, you could be completely normal. From reviews and Reddit chains, there seem to be more Moro fans than I thought, and all of them seem to think they’re the only ones. You guys should all have a meetup, or something, since you all seem kind of lonely. There’s not much more to say here; you’re just chill, I guess.
NUMBER FIVE: CARAMELLO
Aww. You guys are silly! Actually, the Cadbury bar article I mentioned back in Number Three mentioned the Caramello bar, and supposedly, you’re all “big gooey sweethearts”. Somehow, this feels like they’re just describing the chocolate itself, but… Sure, I’ll run with it.
In my experience, people who like Caramellos are extroverts, maybe even with a capital E. That might not be true for you personally, though. If not, you’re probably one of those nice people who come off as kind of irritating, even if they mean well. Sorry to break it to you, but someone out there is restraining themselves whenever you speak. I would advise you to read a psychology book and stop spending time with young children and/or small dogs.
But if you’re not irritatingly nice, you’re kind of like a goblin. How’s your room? Does it need a clean? Chances are, it could use one. I feel like enjoying a gooey chocolate means you have to tolerate mess to some degree, but you’re taking it too far. My tips for you are… to keep being silly! You’re fun to watch. (You can take that either as a compliment or an insult.)
NUMBER SIX: TURKISH DELIGHT
Oh, you think you’re so quirky, don’t you? I bet you listen to some funky music- maybe you’re an indie rock girlie, maybe you like ethno-pop, but chances are, nobody is giving you the aux cord.
To pick a 'Favourites' Turkish Delight, you have to really, really like Turkish delights (the real ones, not the Cadbury chocolate). How does it feel to suffer with the knowledge that you can’t afford the real deal? Are you afraid of spending your money on things that truly make you happy? I’m torn, because you’re probably one of those pretentious “Um, actually,” people, but I also kind of want to give you a hug. You’re doing God’s work in loving what nobody loves. How sweet.
The Cadbury data, notably, says that you’re the kind of person who “presses a button when they’ve been told not to.” Which, really, is just a polite way of saying you end up sticking your nose into other people’s issues. Don’t forget- curiosity killed the Turkish Delight fan.
NUMBER SEVEN: CRUNCHIE
…And this is the one you’ve all been waiting for. Well, I hate to disappoint, but you’re annoying. That’s it. Thanks for reading!
Just kidding, but I was genuinely tempted to end it here. Crunchie fans are always, always the first to the Favourites box, and they’re always desperate to inhale all the Crunchies possible so that they don’t have to eat anything else. You’re probably fun to be around, but your lack of self-awareness is not so much of a selling point. If you’re a Crunchie fan, you’ve subconsciously wanted to eat styrofoam for years and years, and you’re so desperate you’re resorting to violence to get the chocolate you need. I hope your addiction will soon be resolved.
Cadbury agrees with me, by the way. You’re, supposedly, “like a caffeinated Jack Russell crossed with a jet ski”, which definitely aligns with your desire to crunch down on something. On a nicer note, Jack Russells are quite sociable dogs, and you’re probably pretty friendly- possibly even the one who brought the 'Favourites' pack to the party in the first place. I, personally, blame you for the creation of this list.
Yes, you.
END NOTE
If you are angry at the absence of Old Gold, Boost or Cadbury Dairy Milk, or you want me to arbitrarily judge you for something else, let me know via messenger pigeon!